What Happens to a Survivor, After They Survive

Angelina Duke Alexander, for ANBU UK

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It's time for you to step out of the night

You've been in this darkness for most of your life

If you've lost faith in sunshine

I can't say I'm surprised

I look at you and consider

What it's like to have your mind

To carry a craving for connection

When you’re wired to run and hide

It's a miracle to be submerged in the dark

And still contemplate the light

But here you are,  reaching for the vision

Of joy painting your life

But the darkness is familiar

It's territory you know

You've been here for so long

You started calling it home

When you sense the exit door might be close

There is hesitance to leave this prison for the unknown

What happens when someone reaches the summit?

What happens when a survivor, survives

When they've done it?

New fears appear when you're no longer fighting

New lessons in breathing easy

Are to taught to a chest that only knows tightening

You didn't plan this far ahead, 

terrifying territory, unfamiliar sightings

If darkness is the first normal you ever knew

Then light delivers a discomfort you've never been through

And nobody ever prepares you for living through that

You've been living on an inhale

You've been desperate  for air

Now you're free to exhale

This is the truth you can’t share

You defeated the devil with your bare hands

You came back from the impossible

Built a raft in quicksand

Sometimes your survival feels like hazy fact

Just another thing about you

Just another silent stat

Just another private victory

That only you know

But nothing remarkable

Announces its growth

You did the extraordinary

Now you're just ordinary

In the quiet, unremarkable days

You convince your muscles to relax

Routinely remind them

That there is no incoming impact

You are safe

You are safe.

Permit yourself rest

The most revolutionary thing your tired heart can do

is just go and take a nap

Trust is under reconstruction

Fear is persisting and intruding

Your past and your present are perpetually feuding

Debating the route to peace after pain

The mind and body take turns to deceive

Anxiety and excitement are their own kind of thieves

Robbing you of experiencing the present

You're worn out from being dragged back

By a past that no longer owns you

You’re breaking up with your trigger

But she just loves to phone you

And she does it at the most inconvenient of times I find

She'll interrupt your laughter, take control and hit rewind

And suddenly you're somewhere you were so sure you'd left behind

Now when life gifts you fruit, you take such cautious bites

I pay attention to your face

I know when you are losing faith

I want to have a word with your doubt

And gently put it in its place

Someone distorted your mirrors

You don’t trust your own reflection

I’m sorry that your past didn’t offer you protection

But for you, I see a future filled with safety and expression

Your life is a miracle

Archiving a hundred exhaustions

From every time you were forced to swap confidence for caution

You were convinced that  freedom would feel like relief

Nobody mentioned the grief

Because growing into who you're meant to be

Means outgrowing the person who fought endlessly

To carry you here

To imagine you free

This day is the reward for every time you dared to believe in something you could not yet see.

This is not you betraying yourself

This is you,  repaying yourself

Give yourself grace.

Sometimes your recovery will disappoint many people

The thread you use to sew yourself back up

Can slip out the needle

Breath in your body,  proof that this life yours

Besides, your hunger for life hates its view of the floor

Pick it up as you have repeatedly done

This life has been war- and so far you've won 

I pray you relinquish the need to get every day perfect

That you look your life in the eyes and know that you’ve earnt it

Are you waiting for permission to become your favourite person?

May you grant it to yourself, or find it somewhere in these verses

There will be no applause when you’re finally free

There’s just you, in your garden and a fresh cup of tea

You’re taking your shot at revival

Look at you, breathing.  dreaming

The book titled A guide to survival

is one you can now stop reading

Who are you when

The battle is dropped

Who are you when

the haunting has stopped

Who are you when

you've laid down every blade

Tell me

Who are you

When you're no longer afraid